Allow me to explain…

{I’d like to start this post by acknowledging the absolutely incredible work by Sidney Morgan - who photographed my family twice…the photos here are from our last shoot a couple of months ago in Malibu.}

I seriously have sucked at blogging.  You’d think that in, like, over a year’s time, I’d have found a minute or ten to do this.  But the reality is that when I’m not sure what’s going on in my life, I suppose I don’t like to acknowledge it (or perhaps I don’t know how to make sense of it, so I don’t try).  And the past couple of years have been about a lot of questions and not too many answers…until now…ish.

2015-04-08_0001When we moved to LA two years ago, I was counting the days for our return to the east coast.  We thought we’d be there for a year for my husband’s career.  New York City was our life for so long.  It’s how I identified myself.  It’s where I became a grownup (well, sort of).  A year turned into two years in LA.  And…it grew on me.  As much as I traveled back east to shoot weddings (and it was a lot), little pieces of my heart started beating for our new life in California.

And I think this is why: we moved to California with the expectation that it was temporary.  So, on some days, we’d yank the kids out of school early and drive out to Malibu and just to sit on the beach, jump in the waves, get fried fish for dinner, and let the kids fall asleep with sandy toes on the drive home and didn’t worry if it was an hour past their bedtime.  We went on family missions to find the best tacos in LA.  We played outside ALL THE TIME.  We tried to have shoes on as little as possible.  We saw our friends as much as we could.  When my head ached from sitting inside editing for hours, I’d jump in the car, drive down Ventura Blvd and head to the canyon to go for a hike.  We worked our butts off when we could, and played as much as we could.  We knew it was borrowed time…

2015-04-08_00022015-04-08_00132015-04-08_0014We didn’t really have a routine.  I kept asking, “what’s our plan?”  ”how long are we going to be here?”  ”when are we moving back?”  ”what are we doing?”  And the fact that we had none of these answers was…weird.  I felt like – I’m 35, I have two kids…shouldn’t we have some sort of plan???  But then, after a year turned into two, and we were finally making arrangements to move back east (which I previously had zero hesitation about)…I questioned whether or not we should leave.  And then it hit me.  Plans are, perhaps, more about fear than about responsibility.  Plans can be a false sense of security in a world that guarantees nothing.  But I mean that in a good way.  We can only do what makes sense for us NOW.  Right now, it makes sense for us to move back.  Then the rest will become clearer when the time is right.      

So, I can tell you what my plan is (because I do sort-of have one), but the best I can say is that I’m a control freak who has actually had her eyes opened to the idea that maybe it’s OK to be 35, a mom, a wife, and not really be worrying about buying our dream home right now.  I thought I did, but realize I’d rather live our dream life.  It probably doesn’t make sense to a lot of people…but there’s no road-map for this.  We’ve moved 4 times in 5 years.  And the truth is, as much of a pain in the ass that is, we designed our life this way.  Next week we’ll be moving back into an apartment in Jersey, with sweeping views of the Hudson River and Manhattan, and I’ll lay eyes on my dream city once again.  But, it will be different this time.  The scope is wider now.  And I want to live back “home” again as if it’s on borrowed time…because it might be.  So, let’s get cheesy here…you know that saying about the journey and the destination?  I get it now.  I mean, I got it before, but I really get it now.  There is no destination.  It’s all the journey.   And every step of it matters.

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